Here you can find little "words of wisdom" from the people at Love & Logic.
It's not working
Have you ever been in a spot with your kids when you felt like Love and Logic just wasn't working? I have! In fact, there have been times when my wife and I have joked that Love and Logic only works on other peoples' kids.
Listed below are six questions to ask ourselves when this begins to happen:
* Am I using too many words as I implement the technique?
* The more words we use when a child is upset or acting out, the less effective we become.
* Am I displaying anger or frustration?
* Anger and frustration feed misbehavior.
* Am I giving too many warnings before consequences…or lecturing too much afterward?
* The more we warn kids about consequences, the less they seem to care about them when they finally come. Also, after the children experience consequences, resist the urge to rub salt in the wound by lecturing them about what they should have learned.
* Has our relationship gone down hill?
* If consequences don't seem to be working, it might be due to a lack of positive connection between you and the child. Experiment with using the One-Sentence Intervention found in our book, Teaching with Love and Logic. (This is a great resource for parents, too!)
* Does this child - or do we, as parents - need professional help?
* If there are deeper problems driving the misbehavior, it's likely that few things will really work until these issues are dealt with.
* Is this a temporary phase?
* Yep! Sometimes kids act out because they are kids, and their little neurons are still developing. Hang in there and see if a little time does the trick.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Too many reminders
If you've been around Love and Logic® for any time at all, you already know that I'm not a big fan of giving kids repeated warnings and reminders. In fact, some of you may be getting a little sick of how many times I've reminded you about this. I nag folks not to give warnings and reminders because it's such an easy trap to fall into…and it can do so much damage.
Even with all of my passion over the subject, I find myself forgetting that…
- My kids already know most of the things I'm reminding them about.
- Reminding them anyway sends the message that they are incapable of using their brains.
- When I get reminded and warned about things I already know, it ticks me off. Then I often act like a jerk.
- When I give repeated warnings and reminders, it trains my kids to need repeated warnings and reminders.
- They're probably going to have a hard time finding bosses who like to nag them to get their work done.
Too Many Words
"That boy is going to be the death of me. He never listens. I tell him and I tell him, but do you think he cares what I say? No! Not in the least. I don't know how he is going to learn if he never listens."
We've all heard the parent who talks like this, and I'm sure you've said to yourself, "Now we know the problem, too many words and not enough actions."
How old were you when you learned to shut out your parents' lectures? Lectures didn't work for our parents and they seldom work for us. They don't even bring out the best in our spouses.
The best rule of thumb is:
Keep it short.
Keep it polite.
Make it a question.
"Oh, Darla, I noticed that you were being a bit snippy with your friends when we were in the car. Do you ever worry about losing their friendship because of that?"
It's possible you might get a snippy answer like, "No, besides it's none of your business."
Instead of lecturing, stick with your polite questions. "Oh, sweetie, that might be true, but if not, do you have a plan? Good luck."
Polite questions get kids thinking. Lecturing shuts the door to listening.
Getting Them to Brush Their Teeth
Have you ever been amazed at how tightly children can clench their teeth together when you try to "help" them brush their teeth? I have! And, yes, I admit it, I've tried to brush a strong-willed child's teeth, for them. Fortunately, I came to my senses before I lost a finger.
While we can't make spirited children take care of their teeth, we can apply the three E's of Love and Logic.
The first "E" stands for example. The next time your child needs to brush, experiment with saying, "I'm going to brush my teeth. I like to take care of them so that I can have treats."
The second "E" stands for experience. Many children need to experience some logical consequences associated with failing to take care of their mouths. Just the other day I drove through McDonald’s and ordered a child-size chocolate shake for myself. Three-year-old Cody sat in the backseat crying and whining about the fact that I didn't get one for him. I felt horrible, but I knew that this little learning experience was far more affordable than having a mouth full of cavities as he grew older.
The third "E" stands for empathy. When we can be sad, rather than angry or sarcastic, our kids are forced to realize that their poor decisions decrease the quality of their lives.
A very creative mother said this to her 13-year-old daughter:
"Honey, I'm no longer going to nag you about brushing. When I see that you aren't, I'll deposit your allowance into a special bank account I've named "dentures for my daughter."
